big changes

Scrolling through my Twitter feed is both exciting and anxiety-inducing. There are big changes coming; I essentially have to turn my back on an industry that has forgotten me, that I just couldn’t cut muster in, where we just can’t keep up with each other like ships passing in the night. The timing is never right, and there comes a time when you know you have to move on. Falling too far behind the industry, always swimming double-time to just keep up with being behind…

The water is nicer here, anyway. For now, at least. I’ll come back to shore–when I’m ready.

I won’t completely disappear from it, not yet, anyhow, even though I am mostly invisible. There was a time when I wasn’t, when I was rubbing the right shoulders and making the best impressions on the right people.

My talent, knowledge, and experience were admired and sometimes envied. But the job offers just never came. The headhunters knocked and then after one or two rounds, they had “better candidates.” You’re great, we just don’t want you. 

Tenacity and assertiveness are valued, but less so depending on where on the gender spectrum you fall, and probably none at all if you don’t present at either extreme end.

A couple of years ago, after a particularly devastating rejection, I had an epiphany, and I knew that consulting would be the best route for me–but it simply required capital that I did not, and would not have (I still don’t). It’s nearly impossible to “live your dream” and “follow passions” when each month is a struggle and your sole focus is survival. The big conference next year, there’s always next year, I tell myself. Every time.  The chance to hit the reset button and get face time with just about everyone and everything. To get caught up. Recognition. Hands-on.

At the outset, I wanted to avoid too many personal-style posts just yet here: less about my story and more about what it is I’m moving towards. But the Google searches will happen, and I will get asked the question I always do: “What do you do?”

Everything you see, you find on me: I do it, have done it, will do it.

If you have any familiarity with astrology, I’m what’s called a mutable personality (for those who are curious: my sun is in Pisces, both rising and moon in Gemini). Always changing, shifting, poking in and out of various things–but never fully gone. Just gathering resources to prepare. I’ve always known about myself that I never truly give up on anything, it’s just that I don’t maintain consistent speed toward completing my goals.

I’ll get there, eventually. For now, though, I have to let people scratch their heads when they compare my LinkedIn profile with my regular resume, and again when they come across this blog.

I’m tenacious, they say. Said. They’re not wrong. Just not in the way that works for them.

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